December 2004 Archives

Whether we like it or not, life tends to jump up and bite us on the ass, usually repeatedly. We get reminded of things we'd rather not, or pushed into doing things we think are bad at the time, things that are hard and we don't want to deal with. Though, usually these things are done for the better. I hide my past, I find thinking about what I did and didn't do back there, hurts a lot. Because what happens in the past, affects you in the here and now, or in my case, what doesn't happen. At some point, I quit living. I became content to live on the sidelines and watch from distance at other people living. I was too young to make this kind of assessment of what happened, of course, but looking back on it now, that is exactly what happened. I didn't push myself to get involved and nobody did it for me, to reach out to people and try to make friends, or to encourage and strengthen those friendships that had formed, though they didn't dissolve till much later, they certainly didn't make me very happy. My life for all intents and purposes, was just me. I thought I could do it on my own, that I didn't need anybody else, and after awhile, I felt like people didn't want me around, so I didn't have anybody else, and the situation wasn't going to change. I had no idea about anything, and the little I did know, I used in the quiet business of becoming depressed. Of course, being the little boy that wasn't involved with anything and nobody cared about, brought with it its share of insults and comments at my expense. I became angry on the inside, but you'd never know it from looking at me at the time. On the outside, I taught myself to function normally, to do what I was supposed to do and attract as little attention to myself as possible. Figuring if nobody noticed me, they'd leave me alone and I'd be ok, but, as human nature often conflicts, at the same time, wishing I would be noticed, and be, liked. To have friends who would notice if I was there or wasn't and would want me around. To be back in a social circle where I'd actually learn what was and wasn't popular and what was going on around me. It didn't happen. Not because people didn't try, not at first, of course, but later, but because I didn't change. I seemed disinterested, and people just kinda went away. I was scared to try to re-enter the world, it only took a year or so, and I'd completely failed to develop, and didn't know how to dive in anymore, and nobody was aware to help.
Time attempted to heal, after 3 years, and entering high-school, things were different, the immature picking and issues vanished as suddenly those same people were introduced into a new food-chain. I, on the other hand, was used to the sidelines, and was content (I hate that word now, content sucks.) to continue as-is. Occasionally, during high school, I hit stages where I had a desire to get involved, but, I didn't feel supported to try to get involved in anything, there felt like there was always some hurdle, somebody who would be inconvenienced and me, not wanting to cause trouble, just quietly accepted that I can't do this or that, that the hurdles were too hard to be overcome by my small amount of ambition to change. Good things did happen of course, things that I could do that didn't get overshadowed by the logistics of it. Of course, those things were temporary, as I didn't ever maintain involvement, something would end, or somebody would be less around in my life, because of various reasons, and I'd be right back where I started. As a result, I expect anything good that begins to end, way before I'm ready for it to. My biggest logistical problem in my life, since I was 15, has always been, driving. I don't drive. I'm scared of it, because it's an unknown. I didn't feel like I had a reason to need to for the longest time, nothing to do, nowhere to be, so, don't need to drive to get there. My fear of driving led to me avoiding signing up for driver's ed. (Though I finally did a year and a half or 2 years late.) But for all the time, despite mentioning of me driving by my parents, particularly my father, I don't remember ever being encouraged or the offer of help to do it. Just comments like "I should drive." Or "we should get you driving" where we is really me, and until I actually do most of it myself, I'd get no offers of help. Now, I'm not blaming other people for my stupidity, if I had had a larger desire to actually do it, that could've overcame my fear of it, which is probably a perfectly normal fear. Then I'd have been able to do it myself and I wouldn't be writing this now.
It's still just me who will be the one doing it, and I'm going to have to build up the motivation and confidence to do it, but it isn't easy, not for me.
The things that did come easy have shaped my life though, in one way or another, but I haven't pursued them fully. I finally figured out I was accepted in my class in senior year. It was something as simple as not having to tell somebody your name to pick up a schedule, which made me realize, I wasn't the boy that nobody knew existed. Unfortunately, I found that out too late. As seems to be my life story, always late. I figured out there were things I wanted to do, too late to do them. If I had just tried to get out there and do them, I could've done it, if I had just pushed myself. I hate myself for being that little boy who didn't do anything, and let it all fly by, and let the regrets stack up. I suppose I've been rebuilding myself since Senior year, I've learned more about pop-culture in that time, from my huge interest in music, of all types, (my collection contains songs from about 1961 to present now. ) I learned that I liked a lot of the same music as people I watched in middle and high-school did, and there was no reason that I should've seen myself as that different from other people. I learned that I really like being in environments where there's a lot of human interaction, and I would really like to get into broadcasting, and be on radio, not for glamour of being famous, but just because I like playing music for other people and getting feedback. I'm more comfortable with myself and my developing hobbies and interests, though I still don't aid them and push myself enough to actually go through with things, I'm trying though. I still have to learn how to maintain and put enough energy into friendships so I'm not alone and unhappy all the time. I have to learn who I am, and express it every day, because it's my personality that needs to show, it is what was lost, so many years ago, when I vanished to the sidelines. I need time to do that, to put time into myself and not into things for other people. I can't control the amount of time that events of life and fate are going to take, but I can control what I choose to put time into for the time left over, and those things, are going to be for me. I am a person, with thoughts, feelings and desires, and the sooner I stop pretending that that's not the case, and that I don't have things I want out of life, the better off I'll be.

So, this, is my life, my journey into finding myself, the self I lost so long ago. Myself, the person the world calls, Chris.

What do you do when you realize for the first time in along time, you don't have anything at all you want to do, and nothing you have to do?

Sitting and staring into space doesnt' seem like a good option.

Oh yeah, Happy Holidays . :-)

"As you know, you have to go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you want," Rumsfeld said.

He added, "You can have all the armor in the world on a tank, and it can [still] be blown up."

Troops Grill Rumsfeld over Iraq / Troops put thorny questions to Rumsfeld

So. Now we know the attitude the current Administration has about the soliders fighting for their Iraq policies. I'd describe it as "don't give a shit".

Meanwhile, half-way around the world...
Bush meets with Pendleton Marines
It takes guts to tell the American public what we can do to "actively support the troops" while its clear that the Administration itself isn't, 2 years later, providing the equipment and support thats needed.
Mr. Bush and Mr. Rumsfeld, it is *you* who need to learn to support the military.

Oh, and one more article, "Rumsfeld questions no surprise to soldier's ex-wife".
Its nice to see reporters try to make a story out of something and discredit what are legitimate complaints (after all 2000+ soldiers did applaud, if they disagreed that strongly, they're not going to.)

"He is always like that," she said. "I don't think he understands the concept of biting one's tongue. It wouldn't matter if it was (President George W.) Bush himself standing there. He would have dissed him the same." -- Regina Wilson

That is the leading comment, obviously trying to make an issue out of the supposed "out of line" comment from a solider about to go into Iraq for a year. After all, we don't want to hear dissenting comments from our military. From people who do more to support their country than *any* other person, they risk their lives, don't you think they've earned the right to criticize, if need be, the situation.

Oh, and compare that comment above with these from several paragraphs down in the article.

"It's all about duty, and he felt compelled to be over there," Wilson said, adding that both she and her ex-husband voted for Bush in November and support him "100 percent."

But she said she was not impressed with Rumsfeld's answer.

"He seemed like he was stuttering and stumbling -- like he was caught off guard," she said. "Rumsfeld's answer seemed like he was sidestepping around the question."

She added, "If there is something lacking perhaps that is why our death toll is climbing."

So, instead of trying to cast the soldier who shocked us by daring to speak as somebody who should've just shut up, perhaps its time to investigate the questions given, instead of running to find an ex-wife.

We all have those personality traits we'd rather not have. For some of us, they're more major than others, perhaps its because that person has more than just a couple, maybe it's more like 15-20, which is basically, a whole part of themself that they'd rather just go away.

Somethings like that, are too much of a part of you to just banish though. Unfortunately, we can't treat our personality like its amish and shun the parts we don't like, that have commited some sort of crime or sin, in the view of the rest of self. We have to live with it, quietly scold it and say to ourselves "I'll never do that again". but what happens when you find yourself saying it over and over and over again? The definition of insanity, as defined in the movie "28 Days" is "repeating the same thing over and over again expected a different result." So isn't saying to yourself you'll never do something again, only to keep doing things the exact same way, a bit, insane?

When something happens that you blame on a certain part of you, you get angry at it, then wish that part would just go away. (anger, avoidance). Avoiding it, won't make it go away though, in fact, it's not even dealing with a situation or issue at hand. Its just easier not to work through the issues and expect things to magically change, a solution to a better you to fall from the sky perhaps, but things don't work quite that easily. Sure, pieces of the solution are likely to present themselves to you fairly easily in everyday life, but only as long as you're making an effort to achieve a goal. Sitting around wishing things would change, isn't going to help. Things don't change on their own in a positive way. (and just wishing for change, tends to arrive at the fates and get a bit twisted, and next thing you know, something breaks or dies. It *was* change, but not exactly what you meant when you thought it. Was your thought responsible for what happened? No. You didn't actually kill them. Something else apart from us entirel is responsible for that, whatever that may be. In our lives, we don't tend to think about what exists that we don't encounter every day. We prefer not to, perhaps because the unknown is quite scary to us. But if that unknown is affecting our lives already, it's not really unknown, we know what it is, to some extent.

Its alot of work, mainly mental effort, to force yourself to break old habits and patterns that make you unhappy. The status quo is so much easier to deal with than the thought of making it change and just ending up in a worse situation. (Which is ignoring the part where it's likely any change at all, will end up being for the better, because it *is* a change.) At least, that's for changes in life that we control and pick, changing jobs, getting a job, learning to drive, getting out and meeting people, bettering yourself through learning something you didn't know, replacing that wardrobe that looks like it should've died in 1991. Some of them are pretty small things, but they're things that make us feel better about ourselves. They're things we have complete control over.
Sure, there's baggage, over time we pick up lots of baggage, going shopping is likely to remind you of every bad fashion choice you've ever made in your entire life, so you spend more time analyzing what "looks right for you" than you do just browsing. If you were merely shopping for your current self. Then most likely, what you're looking for, is hanging in your closet. Its a repeating pattern, you're looking for something like you already have. When attempting to do something different, you can't think about the present or, most importantly, the past. That'll just cloud your judgement of what you're trying to do, you'll be convinced the right thing, is wrong, because it's too different. Instead of just letting go and being yourself. The self you yearn deeply to be. Not a clone of everybody else, because even in a world of fashion, where everybody's similar, we all are unique, to quote Lewis Black, "we're all like snowflakes". What works for one, doesn't for another, and what looks one way on somebody else, will look different on you, because you're unique. You have to be comfortable that how your own self is presented to the world, is how you want it, to be confident in that even, and just relax about it, pulling the energy from your confidence.

There's a big exclusion from changes that're beneficial though, one I'm all too familar with at this point, death. Particularly, the death of people you were close to, be it a parent, or somebody you were deeply in love with, and cared about more than you care about youself. The pain of losss, and the loneliness of the absense of that person in the world, makes the world seem, empty, like there's nothing to hang around for. How do you push ahead, and make the changes you need to make to get through what you've gotta get through, when you can't think of a reason to? When you never put yourself first and are now being asked to do so by life, and you just don't know how? I suppose the answer is you can't do it alone, you'd need the support of anybody who's available. Its a very tender and easily hurtable and vulnerable feeling. You just have to have faith and believe that things will get better.

"They say they built the train tracks over the Alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip. They built it anyway. They knew one day a train would come." -- Under the Tuscan Sun