Lair of the Wolf

I knew he was different in his sexuality
I went to his parties as a straight minority
It never seemed a threat to my masculinity
He only introduced me to a wider reality
As the years went by, we drifted apart
When I heard that he was gone
I felt a shadow cross my heart

But he's nobody's hero
Saves a drowning child
Cures a wasting disease
Hero -- lands the crippled airplane
Solves great mysteries
Hero -- not the handsome actor
Who plays a hero's role
Hero -- not the glamour girl
Who'd love to sell her soul
If anybody's buying,
Nobody's hero

I didn't know the girl, but I knew her family
All their lives were shattered in a nightmare of brutality
They try to carry on, try to bear the agony
Try to hold some faith in the goodness of humanity
As the years went by, we drifted apart
When I heard that she was gone
I felt a shadow cross my heart

But she's nobody's hero
Is the voice of reason against the howling mob
Hero -- is the pride of purpose
In the unrewarding job
Hero -- not the champion player
Who plays the perfect game
Hero -- not the glamour boy
Who loves to sell his name
Everybody's buying
Nobody's hero

As the years went by, we drifted apart
When I heard that you were gone
I felt a shadow cross my heart

But he's nobody's hero
Saves a drowning child
Cures a wasting disease
Hero -- lands the crippled airplane
Solves great mysteries
Hero -- not the handsome actor
Who plays a hero's role
Hero -- not the glamour girl
Who'd love to sell her soul
If anybody's buying,
Nobody's hero

Hero

-- Rush (Counterparts, 1993)

(Originally to be published: 2005-09-04 12:20:14)

I never really thought about the Blogs and Friends section alone being symbolic of change. Though, now I've thought about it, as tonight, I remove a guy who I'd been kinda friends with for the past few months. Friendships don't work out too well when the "friend" is pretty much so self-centered and isolationist that the rest of the world outside his immediate area ceases to exist. Nor do they work out well when their idea of friendship includes completely disregarding the emotions and thoughts two other people are having that have nothing to do with him, and procedes to completely and totally act like they don't matter and that its just an annoyance to them.

So all in all, no big loss of a friend here.

Serious title, isn't it? Its not meant to be dramtic though, only truthful. I spend alot of my time alone, now more than before. Alone has more meanings than you'd think on the surface. You can be alone in a room with somebody else. Its one of the hardest things to handle too. (but not The Hardest.) To realize you're in a room with that person and can't think of a single thing to say or even, at times, why you're there at all.

How'd it get to this point? I used to be ok with being alone, and I'd be in a reasonably good mood and be doing my own thing that I enjoyed doing. Alot of times, it was just me and music, sometimes from mp3s, other times a CD or even (yes, gasp) the radio. I've gotten alot done alone. I've designed whole websites by just being up in the middle of the night and listening to something and just relaxing and coding away. I didn't constantly need other peoples feedback for every little thing then. My own opinion of what I was doing was the only one that mattered, and I trusted it. Usually cause its the most harsh, I'm very hard on myself, particularly when the mental image I have in my head isn't coming out on the screen or in life.

Now, I don't trust myself to do whats in my best interest. I don't admit to myself problems that exist until they're too late, if even then. So I turn to the feedback of others, which can be a scary place, particularly with people you hardly know. They're quick to give negative feedback, because what they see isn't what they want. Listening to the feedback from them too long, and you become a circus monkey, performing for the prevailing current at the time, and being no happier or better off for it. Just drained. So, obviously, the better move is to turn to friends and maybe, family, if you're fortunate enough to have them around for you, people whom you probably trust. They have their own self-interests too. Its more like dealing in politics, everybody lobbying for what they want and nobody besides you, really cares about what you want, and whats in your best interest, but since I can't trust myself, I'm dependent on these people, and constantly trying to get the right feedback from them, more times than not its just lacking completely rather than being intentionally wrong or different. Attention Whore. Is what this last behavior has gotten me branded, and its right. I have very few close friends, probably 1 or maybe 0, and maybe only 2-3 friends besides that that i might be able to talk about anything with, besides the weather. So I quietly need alot out of the close friends, since I don't provide it for myself. In this, is the problem. I don't trust myself, and there's nobody to reinforce that i'm right, or that they even care that i'm around at all. Yes, that last phrase there is a leap, from a logical standpoint, but not from an emotional one, if you're not there for me, you don't care about me, and since there's so few people who seem to really care about me, each time that happens, it hurts badly, and being hurt brings up the next layer of defensive tactics, and surely I must be doing something wrong to get hurt, and the best way to avoid hurt is to be alone...

There's my paradox. I just feel so empty and alone, and it hurts too much to not be. Repeat.

Harry got up
Dressed all in black
Went down to the station
And he never came back
They found his clothing
Scattered somewhere down the track
And he won't be down on wall street
In the morning
He had a home
The love of a girl
But men get lost sometimes
As years unfurl
One day he crossed some line
And he was too much in this world
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore
In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute
Things can get pretty strange
In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute
Lying here in the darkness
I hear the sirens wail
Somebody going to emergency
Somebody's going to jail
If you find somebody to love in this world
You better hang on tooth and nail
The wolf is always at the door
In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute
Things can get a little strange
In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute
And in these days
When darkness falls early
And people rush home
To the ones they love
You better take a fool's advice
And take care of your own
One day they're here;
Next day they're gone
I pulled my coat around my shoulders
And took a walk down through the park
The leaves were falling around me
The groaning city in the gathering dark
On some solitary rock
A desperate lover left his mark,
Baby, I've changed. please come back.
What the head makes cloudy
The heart makes very clear
The days were so much brighter
In the time when she was here
But I know there's somebody somewhere
Make these dark clouds disappear
Until that day, I have to believe
I believe, I believe
In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute
You can get out of the rain
In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute

-- Don Henley - End of the Innocence, 1989

Current Mood: Shocked.
I don't understand how a disease can affect so many, so silently.