Things… Big events… Little events.. One liners, even.. Haunt me, weeks, months, even years later… Even if I wasn’t wrong. and much more if I was.
I catch myself thinking about them, when I’m not doing anything else, or just laying down and thinking. I try to put them to rest, and let things go, but when it comes down to it, they don’t go away. If I get angry or hurt or depressed they reappear.
Currently, i’m feeling pretty bitter. I don’t know exactly why. I feel like I made a fair contribution back there, but get no credit whatsoever for it now. I was taught not to ask for credit and just expect it to be given if its deserved. Am I supposed to take it if I deserve it and not wait around for somebody else to do it? Because at the moment, two of my best accomplishments to date, which I won’t name, (which I guess continues the cycle, doesn’t it?), don’t feel like I had anything at all to do with them, and I don’t feel like anybody around me really wants to reach out and say anything. With one of them, this makes sense, its been taken over by other people, who’ve continued the growth I had a large part in starting. The other, its just been taken over, and ransacked like a town without a government.
I don’t think I’m better than other people at all, I’m not more mature, I do have a different point of view and a very hard time reaching out and being social with other people, since I’m quite afraid of them. I’m not good at standing up for myself, except angrily. I just want people to see me as an individual who they want to talk to, to be with, and maybe even be friends with. :-/
Bah…
I’m sorry I haven’t recognized you for your accomplishments or given you the credit you are due. In my world, im used to people just taking what they think they deserve. You are a very unique person, and I for one am glad that I have gotten to know you. I enjoy every conversation we have, and the moments we share are things I will always want to remember. You are a good friend, a respectable geek and so many other things that I can’t express here. Your emotional walls often make it hard to reach out, and your ability to relate all events in life to each other will always make it a challenge for something to happen without all of the others coming up. You see things a lot more clearly than most people, hence why you feel more pain from these things. Your heart is pure and your mind is free, there should be nothing stopping you from getting everything you want in life.